532 Words on: BREAKING: Senator McCarthy alive, well and last seen on a fan forum

What’s with some people who view themselves as all-powerful, all knowing, gatekeepers of true fandom? Who died and anointed them the Grand Imperial Poobahs of ruling people in or out of the cool kids’ club based on a multitude of ridiculous arbitrary rules they pull out of their rectal cavities? Why would anyone in their right mind be so judgemental about their fellow human beings?

Don’t listen to these pillocks. Take it from someone who’s spent an entire lifetime not being in anyone’s cool kids’ club and never wanting to be either – just be yourself. Support your team your way, whatever that way might entail.

Watch it live, watch the replay, record it, check the result and if your team lost don’t watch it at all. Drink espresso in front of the TV coverage, drink a vintage Barolo, drink Fanta, drink Lion Red, drink 78% ethylene gycol engine coolant (tip – it’s better than Lion Red). Open a bag of peanuts, reheat last night’s pizza, grill some tinned spaghetti on toast (just kidding about that one, don’t you fucking dare), have brie and crackers.

Watch every game, miss a few, miss them all. Be a season ticket holder, buy your tickets from a scalper, scalp your tickets. Arrive late, leave ten minutes before the end to beat the rush, miss the winning goal – you were probably bad luck anyway.

Go to the stadium with your half scarf, get your own name on the back of your shirt, be a full kit wanker, wear a Barcelona shirt to a Phoenix game, bring a Liverpool blanket into the Fever Zone. Stand up and sing, sit down and shut up, whine about the people who stand up and sing, abuse the people who are whining about the people who stand up and sing, start a Mexican wave – just don’t tell anyone I told you to do it.

Whinge on Twitter, whinge on Facebook, complain to the cat – because you know damn well that Tiddles is far more likely to care about your idiotic first world problems than anyone on Twitter or Facebook.

Support your team through thick and thin, give up on them and support someone better, support a random team on the other side of the world because their logo looks nice, back whichever team has Cristiano Ronaldo in it, back whoever he’s playing against, pretend whoever is winning with five minutes to go was your team all along. Support your local team, support your local team’s biggest rivals, support whoever won the title last year, do your utmost to support your local team until they accuse you of racism on social media so you’ll storm out and never jinx them again.

Be a sucker for a hopeless case, be a glory hunter… Oh, wait…

Yes, that’s right, you’ve caught me red handed. The truth is of course you shouldn’t think, for one moment, that I’m not mercilessly judging you for all this stuff. Read it back, I said “why would anyone in their right mind be so judgemental” and this is football people we’re talking about here, so who were you expecting me to be, Mahatma Gandhi? Get out of here you plastic fan.